


The History Between Us

by Blueismybusiness



Series: Valentine's Day Prompts: 7 Days of Prompts [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, OCD, Sadness and Misery, Therapist/Patient relationship, This doesn't end in happiness folks, You Have Been Warned, You asked for it, because I'm good at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 08:53:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17846297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueismybusiness/pseuds/Blueismybusiness
Summary: Some people are meant to fall in love with each other...but not meant to be together.





	The History Between Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [audriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/audriel/gifts), [inkiedinkie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkiedinkie/gifts).



> Requested by stripennumber4
> 
> Bet you thought I forgot, huh? 
> 
> *ugly sobs* Sorry it took so loooong!
> 
> So, this isn't a song fic, but when titling the fic, this song came up and I thought these lyrics were appropriate, hence the off and somewhat bad title. 
> 
> You touch me and it’s almost like we knew  
> That there will be history between us two  
> We knew someday that we would have regrets  
> But we just ignored them the night we met  
> We just dance backwards into each other  
> Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered  
> You touch me and it’s almost like we knew  
> That there will be history
> 
> There’s no way that it’s not going there  
> With the way that we’re looking at each other  
> There’s no way that it’s not going there  
> Every second with you I want another  
> But maybe we can hold off one sec  
> So we can keep this tension in check  
> But there’s no way that it’s not going there  
> With the way that we’re looking at each other
> 
> I have linked the song incase anyone wants to listen as they read it. 
> 
> [There's No Way](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MZ8guTxcFU) by Lauv

Ushijima busied himself with straightening his desk as he waited for the top of the hour. It was more a nervous activity than anything, something to pass the time, and not like him normally.

Ushijima’s world had always been summed up in three words; simple, calm, and predictable. No matter the circumstances surrounding him, he could always count on the fact that very little changed around him. It was comfortable, secure.

That was, until nine months ago. It was then that his steady, known universe was shaken to its core, and an unintended variable was introduced into his otherwise boring life.

A knock on his office door, a light rap of knuckles, pulled him from his thoughts and Ushijima’s pulse raced with expectation. “Come in,” he said, his voice steadier than he would have expected.

Ushijima stood from behind his desk as Sakusa Kiyoomi entered, his expression drawn in passiveness, but his dark eyes bright. He no longer wore the face mask and gloves he once insisted on, and his hands had healed of the open sores from the constant scrubbing, though some scars remained. He was still learning to consider them as trophies for overcoming his struggles instead of hiding them in shame as reminders of his disorder at its worst.

Regardless of his history, Sakusa was beautiful; thick, black curly ringlets framed his angular features, and made his porcelain skin almost glow. He still wore a lot of black clothing, but Ushijima wasn’t as concerned about his wardrobe choice as he was about Sakusa maintaining the skills he’s learned in their sessions. Besides, everything he wore tended to outline his athletic physique, a fact Ushijima could not exactly complain about.

“Good afternoon, Ushijima-sensei,” Sakusa greeted, his tone always quiet, though confident.

Ushijima bowed lightly, unable to help the small smile that curled his lips. “Sakusa-kun, it is good to see you.”

Sakusa didn’t smile, but his cheeks flushed a soft pink as his eyes darted away from Ushijima and he took his usual seat in one of the plush leather chairs. Ushijima tried not to blush, too, as he came around his desk with his notepad and a mug of tea to sit in the other leather seat facing him.

“How has your week been, Sakusa?” Ushijima asked as he situated himself, placing his tea on the table beside him and crossing his legs, setting his notepad on his knee. 

“Fine,” Sakusa answered, meeting Ushijima’s eyes with a determined stare.

“Hm...are you sure?”

Sakusa didn’t say anything at first, gazing at Ushijima steadily before breaking out in a slight grin as he looked off to the side. “You know me too well, Wakatoshi.”

Ushijima’s breath hitched, still unused to the intimacy of using first names with his patient, but unwilling to correct him. Over the months Sakusa had been at the institution, they had become close in a way that pushed the boundaries of the doctor/patient relationship. Sakusa sank into Ushijima’s head in a way no other patient had in the seven years he’d been a therapist. And it wasn’t just Sakusa’s unique situation. He was a complex individual; beautiful in his pain and pride, his struggles and determination to rise above them only making him more alluring.

It was inevitable that Ushijima would fall in love with him.

And it was a cruel joke that the universe would put him in Ushijima’s path, only to make him unattainable.

“Sakusa…” Ushijima pleaded. 

“Wakatoshi, please, humor me for today?” He asked, his dark eyes falling on Ushijima, and shadowed with regret and yearning.

Ushijima worried his bottom lip, finding it difficult to deny him, and unable to find a reasonable argument against the pulling of his heart, he gave a tilt of his head in acquiescence. 

Sakusa sent him that small smile again, making Ushijima’s fingers twitch to run his thumb across his bottom lip.

“I’m nervous,” Sakusa said, looking down at his hands and curling them into fists as he struggled to withhold from picking at his skin as he once would.

“That is understandable,” Ushijima assured him.

“Is it?” Sakusa retorted, his gaze turning dark with irritation as he lifted his chin defiantly. One of his greatest weaknesses were the high expectations he had for himself and the disappointment he felt when he didn’t fulfill them. Despite how far he’d come and the things he’d accomplished in his life.

“Should it be so simple...Kiyoomi? What have we discussed?”

Sakusa gave him an exasperated look. “Progress is like a candle flame, fragile but with vigilance will never be extinguished.” He rolled his eyes and huffed, “So cheesy.”

Ushijima smiled and shrugged, “It is the truth. Nervousness is a good thing, it reminds you where you’ve come from and where you wish to be.”

Sakusa didn’t say anything, only looked down again at his hands. This time his fidgeting was different as he twisted the fingers of one hand. This was new behavior Ushijima had not seen before, a new type of fear that settled over his patient.

“What is it, Kiyoomi?” Ushijima asked. His tone was impassive—blunt—as usual. Luckily, Sakusa knew him enough by now to know he was asking out of genuine concern. 

Sakusa’s gaze traveled up, landing somewhere over Ushijima’s shoulder. He kept rolling his lips between his teeth, the want to say whatever was on his mind as obvious as his hesitation to do so. Ushijima waited as patiently as he could for Sakusa to break the silence.

“Will I ever see you again?” He finally asked, still avoiding Ushijima’s eyes.

Ushijima’s chest felt hollow with the words. He had known for months, even as they never explicitly addressed the tension between them, that this topic would eventually come up. He’d feared the day the questions of ‘What next?’ would be asked because the answer was disheartening.

Ushijima knew what he wanted. He wanted more than anything to gather Sakusa in his arms, to kiss the mouth that had haunted his dreams for months, to say the things he’d buried in his heart. More than that, he wanted to walk beside Sakusa as he navigated the world, free from the shackles of a disorder that had nearly taken his life. He wanted to watch him shine.

But Ushijima also knew his desires were unethical. Sakusa was his patient, and there were rules. Strict, unmovable rules for these exact situations, and meant to protect the vulnerable. 

It didn’t matter what Ushijima wanted, he was bound by his oath to do no harm.

For the first time in his life, Ushijima wanted to be selfish.

Ushijima sighed, knowing the inevitable conclusion. “No, you won’t.”

Sakusa nodded, his eyes misting over as he rapidly blinked back tears he refused to let fall. He was a prideful man, and would not allow himself to be shamed by crying in front of Ushijima.

“How is that fair?” He asked, finally meeting Ushijima’s gaze. It was like a physical punch to his gut to see the betrayal burning behind Sakusa’s black eyes.

“It isn’t,” he answers quietly. “If It were my decision…You know I don’t want this either.”

Sakusa nodded slowly, looking away yet again. “Yet, your abandoning me anyway.” His tone bordered on petulant, but the hurt there was thick.

“Kiyoomi, you know that is not the truth.”

Sakusa flinched, not because Ushijima was harsh, but out of embarrassment for his childish declaration. 

It was true. Sakusa knew ethical law stated that a romantic relationship between a therapist and his patient was intolerable and punishable by the loss of said therapist’s license, fines, and possible jail time. The only recourse was to wait out the five years that must pass before the relationship is free to be pursued. Sakusa knew this because he brought it up once during a session, casually discussing different policies and what not.

Before that day’s session, it was the closest they ever came to addressing the attraction that existed between them.

“I’ll wait,” Sakusa declared, his voice barely a whisper. He wouldn't look at Ushijima, he knew all too well what he’d find in his eyes.

“You won’t.”

His head snapped up, fire blazing in his black gaze, anger and stubborness lighting them up and challenging Ushijima’s words. “How do you know what I will or won’t do...for you?!”

Ushijima sighed. He hurt, his heart aching for Sakusa’s words to be true. To be able to blindly believe that time could pass and never dull the affection the man felt for Ushijima. He knew better. Sakusa would be discharged the following day, completing his treatment, and heading back out into the world to conquer it. Whatever existed between Ushijima and him would be left behind, forgotten in time as Sakusa moved on with his life.

That was the best case scenario. It was what Ushijima hoped for him, regardless if it meant his heart broke because of it.

Ushijima cleared his throat, attempting to uncluttered the emotions building pressure within his chest. He shifted in his seat, uncrossing and crossing his legs, desperate not to give in to false hopes. “Kiyoomi, you  _ will _ leave here and you  _ will  _ move on, because that means you are progressing—growing.

“I am a part of y-your past, a minor shadow on your road to greatness. Don’t hold onto me, let me g-go and go live your life.”  

A knife to the heart could not have hurt worse than forcing out those words, no matter how true they were. Later, Ushijima would let himself morn.

“Five years is not that long, Wakatoshi-“

“In terms of health and healing, it is a lifetime.”

Sakusa nodded, turning his face away and biting at his top lip as his chest heaved. For a moment neither of them said anything, the silence between them almost suffocating with regret and pain. Everything within Ushijima screamed that he should comfort Sakusa, hold him and tell him that he would love him all the rest of his days. The war within Ushijima’s heart raged unlike anything he’d ever felt before as his clinical side argued with ethical considerations and reminders of the severe consequences of submitting to his desire.

Ushijima was nearing his breaking point, his fear of losing Sakusa heavy and overwhelming. What if he never felt this way again? What if Sakusa was the one, and Ushijima was being a coward and letting him go for no reason other than to save himself? Was true love worth the risk of prison if they were found out?

Ushijima’s will was on the verge of collapse, crumbling in the silence that lingered. Logic and reason was losing the battle, and in the next moment, Ushijima would have given in and gone to Sakusa if the man in question had not finally moved. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and took a deep breath.

Turning to Ushijima, Sakusa nodded and said, “Okay.”

Ushijima breathed deep through his nose, one slow inhale and exhale before nodding as well. “Okay.” He was both relieved and crushed. He glanced at the clock.

“Our time is up.”

“Yes,” Sakusa agreed, a sad smile pulling at the corners of his mouth and falling short of his red-rimmed, mournful gaze. “I suppose it is.”

Both men stood at the same time, falling into silence once again. Ushijima could feel the heat of Sakusa’s gaze upon his back as he led him to the door. Ushijima opened it, standing aside to let his patient pass by.

Sakusa wouldn’t look at him, resoluteness like a dark cloud surrounding him. Just as he passed Ushijima, the therapist stopped him with a whisper of his name,

“Kiyoomi.”

Sakusa halted, his shoulders squared and his head held high, but he didn’t turn to look at Ushijima. In a moment of impulsiveness bred from heartbreak and remorse, Ushijima reached out and brushed his knuckles against the back of Sakusa’s hand. It was all he could offer the young man, and all he would allow himself.

Sakusa’s breath hitched, his throat bobbing. He still refused to look at Ushijima, but he inclined his face, tilting his cheek toward Ushijima as if accepting a kiss. He turned his hand, allowing the pads of his fingertips to caress Ushijima’s palm, down the length of his fingers, and very briefly intertwine their hands before pulling away.

Ushijima closed his eyes, letting himself wallow in the forbidden touch of calloused fingers, cool against his heated skin. This close, Sakusa smelled of off-brand soap and heaven. 

“Thank you, Ushijima-san. For everything,” Sakusa said, then exited Ushijima’s office, disappearing down the hall. 

“Good luck, Kiyoomi,” Ushijima whispered into thin air. Backing into his office, he closed the door.

 


End file.
